October 2, 2012

PitchOn Entry: SUPERTEENS IN TRAINING



Hey gang! My feedback is below the pitch. Please comment on this post with your own suggestions. (And see yesterday's post if you have no idea what I'm talking about! While you're at it, take a few minutes to critique the pitch in yesterday's post as well!)


Title: SUPERTEENS IN TRAINING

Genre: YA urban fantasy with sci-fi elements

Word count: 54,000

Pitch: When five sixteen-year-old girls of various races discover their awesome elemental powers, they think of themselves as superheroes. However, normal superheroes aren’t distracted by hot dates and mall shopping when dark forces from another planet want to destroy them. It’ll take more than sexy costumes and kick-ass fighting skills for these girls to defeat their enemies; only their bond makes them stronger than any other force in the universe.


I think it' s a good idea to pick either urban fantasy or sciifi for your genre. I've read in various places that agents prefer it. For what it's worth....this sounds more sci-fi to me.

Can you be a little more specific about the plot? What kind of dark forces want to destroy them? And is it THEM specifically that have to be destroyed? And why? (I'm guessing because they're so powerful?) Is it their lives that are at stake, or their powers? 

I don't think you need so much detail in the first sentence...it's probably not absolutely essential to note that there are five of them and that they're from various races. 

Basically- I'd just like a clearer picture of who or what exactly is threatening them, and what stakes are involved. It sounds like a fun story and I like the voice in this pitch a lot. The idea of superheroes who struggle with typical teenage girl angst is hilarious!

10 comments:

  1. I'd also like to see a slightly clearer picture of the story. Of course, in a short pitch, you can't go overboard on the details, but when I'm revising pitches, it always helps me to see what my readers are confused about, so here are the questions in my mind now. (Hope this helps!)
    * Were the 5 brought together by the discovery of their superpowers? Or are they lifelong friends that discover these powers together?
    * What kinds of elemental superpowers do they have? (Is this like the YA version of Captain Planet from the '80s?)
    * Who is threatening them, and why? What, exactly, are the stakes?
    * Is there one main POV character? Or is the story told in 5 alternating voices?

    btw: I LOVE the idea of superhero teenage girls getting more wrapped up in the costume fashion than in actually saving the world :) - So cute! I'd definitely read something like that if I found it on the bookstore shelf.

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  2. I'm also confused about what is happening. I like how they think they are superheros, but then you don't say how they aren't. Then you kind of make them sound flaky with how they want to shop rather than fight. Maybe you can put that line at the end, like "They must learn to give up their live of normality of shopping and hot guys to strap on their their sexy costumes and defeat (SPECIFIC NAME OF DARK FORCES HERE).

    I like this idea!

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  3. Firstly, I love the voice here! I can tell the manuscript will be full of awesome voice and that's something needed to grab an agents attention. Well done:)

    I would cheer the girl power and friendships involved here, too. You go, girl! I can picture these best buds trying to figure out their powers while trying to decide which is more important: the shoes on sale down at at the mall, or saving the baby falling from the 2nd story of the mall (or whatever the powers are) So lots of fun here!

    So, here are my thoughts and 2 cents. Take them with a grain of salt:

    Superhero powers grab the attention of five best friends, but it's the sexy costumes that really speak to them. After facing dark forces who attack the Earth with intentions of of taking over the world, it doesn't take long before the girls realize hot dates and fashion trends may need to take a back set. Even more, their bond of friendship will be put to the ultimate test while discovering the true meaning of their powers.

    Or something like that. Best wishes with your pitch. It truly does sound like an amazing and funny story!

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  4. This sounds like a really fun story! I'd like to know a little more about the meat of the story. What exactly is the main conflict? Get that in there, and you have something good!

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  5. I agree with a lot of what has been said above.

    The concept sounds fun and unique, which makes me wang to read the book. I think the strongest aspect of the pitch is the voice, well done :)

    The main thing that felt off for me, is that I was wondering if there is a main POV character, I was a little distracted questioning who exactly I will be following.

    Hope this helps and good luck :)

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  6. I agree with a lot of what has been said above.

    The concept sounds fun and unique, which makes me wang to read the book. I think the strongest aspect of the pitch is the voice, well done :)

    The main thing that felt off for me, is that I was wondering if there is a main POV character, I was a little distracted questioning who exactly I will be following.

    Hope this helps and good luck :)

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  7. This sounds like really good fun and I like the sense of voice that comes through. The only thing that niggles at me is the lack of a main MC to root for. At the moment, it comes across as if the book is written in 5 POVs. I'd like to know which character I'm really following from the get-go. Also, a clearer indication of what the main conflict is (as in some specifics) would help strengthen this pitch.

    Good luck with it!

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  8. My first thought was: Captain Planet. Sorry, different races was what brought that image to mind! It doesn't feel like that needs to be mentioned.
    The plot doesn't seem very clear, neither are the MC's. I understand that it's hard with 5, but those personalities are what catches someone's attention.
    Hope that helps!

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  9. I agree on the "different races" thing but otherwise I really love this premise and your voice! I could see this being a really awesome story! Good luck :)

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